Miscarriage Memories

A constant reminder of my miscarriage: babies and pregnant women.

Anything to do with babies or pregnancy. It's just hard to get past. I used to love the show 16 & Pregnant. I watched the whole first season non-stop. The second I had my miscarriage and saw that show again on MTV it just brought back uncomfortable feelings; feelings that I used to have when I was pregnant and watching that show. And now Im not pregnant, so I just can't  bare to watch it anymore. Sometimes it's pathetic. I try to pull myself out of the slum and be happy for other people, but I can't help but hurt inside and long for that feeling again. Which has also brought me to the point where I get insanely pissed off at pregnant women who take it for granted. Or even moms who take their children and/or their motherhood for granted. To put it simply, yes, life is just not fair!

I didn't know I was pregnant. I suffer from a terminal disease called Cystic Fibrosis which causes alot of weak immune, respiratory, and digestive complications. So when I was pregnant, I was not aware. Looking back on the pregnancy now I indeed see all the signs that I had missed and I am shocked that the thought never even crossed my mind that I might "be pregnant." I was extremely tired. I would come home from work and sleep the entire day and night away till the morning sun came. I assumed it was just my c.f. exhausting me, plus I was working alot more than I was used to. Everytime I ate cereal I felt sick, but I didn't eat cereal often so I assumed that was the reason. I had alot of heartburn, almost to the point where I couldnt stand it. But ofcourse, that was just something else that I assumed was something I ate, or related to my indigestion and my c.f. My period had always been irregular. I am over weight so it is just something that I am used to, and accept. I have been with PJ (my husband now but at the time my fiance) for 8 years without one pregnancy. We assumed I couldnt get pregnant. We had an active sex life and I was never on birth control, so being pregnant never crossed my mind - honestly.

I found out I was pregnant when I was 12 weeks. I had been bleeding irregularly for about 4 weeks at the time, it seems like everytime I "pushed to poop" a bright red color blood would stream out. Being a procrastantor and just irrisponsible it just took me awhile to go to the doctors. I showed up at the E.R. and ofcourse they asked me, "is there a chance you are pregnant?" I replied, "well maybe." We hadn't been "trying" to get pregnant, but I guess the chance is always there..... While waiting in the emergency room with my mom, the nurse asked to talk to me alone and then told me I was pregnant. I was in shock, I couldnt believe it, and asked if she was sure. Then I told my mother. She was frightened.

The doctor's there told me I was having a miscarriage. I had to call PJ and tell him. It took them hours to get me to an ultrasound. Where the technician there wasn't even aware that I was "possibly having a miscarriage" and she probably thought I knew I was pregnant. She told me the baby looked beautiful and everything seemed perfect. She pointed at it on the screen and talked to me like I had known what was going on, when in fact I didnt, and I was still in shock. I asked her if she could tell how far along I was, and then I realized how big the BABY actually was. She said maybe 12 or 13 weeks.

A long story short, the Dr. gave me a pelvic exam where blood ended up bursting out. She offered to "terminate the pregnancy" for me since there were no OBGYNs in the building. And I said NO! Why would I kill a freaking baby when you guys just told me that it was perfectly fine? All because you dont know where the blood is coming from? No way.... so they fled me to Boston.

Boston pretty much did the same. They gave me another ultrasound and pelvic exam and they told me that the baby looked to be in perfect condition and couldnt explain where the blood was coming from. They sent me home and told me that I could possibly miscarry in the next couple weeks.

It took friggin Women's Health Care weeks to get me an appointment. I was so excited to be pregnant. It seemed the bleeding stopped and although the Drs told me to go on with my normal life and duties, I tried to relax more and take it easy. I was terrified of having a miscarriage, and honestly, didnt think itd happen. I tried to not give my hopes up though. But when you are madly in love with this tiny baby in your belly already, it is pretty hard to not let yourself down when you lose it.

It was the day of my first appointment. I went in there and told them that I had started bleeding again that morning and had a horrible pain/cramp the night before. I begged and begged for an ultrasound or atleast a pelvic exam. Do you know what its like to be 17 weeks and for five weeks prior have been aware that you might miscarry.? How did I know my baby was even alive? Andthat everything was okay? It was very heartbreaking and unsettling. But they refused to give me either. Even with being a "high risk pregnancy" because of my CF. I was very dissapointed. So dissapointed that the nurse felt bad for me and offered a quick "sound check" before I left the office. She used that little monitor to try and listen to the baby's heartbeat, where (because I was overweight) she said it was hard to find, but she encouraged me that we heard it and I believed her. I left the office pissed off that they wouldnt give me an ultra sound for another few weeks and I still didntk now if my baby was okay :(

The minute I got home, I walked up the stairs and went to the bathroom to pee. Sitting on the toilet I felt some blood drizzle into the toilet and NO PAIN, NO CRAMPS, NO UN-NATURAL feeling, I felt something coming out. I could feel it. I was crying and screaming histerically from the toilet and I called my mom. I told her the baby was coming out. And she was too, histerical and told me call 911. I hung up, the baby came out, and I got up and histerical and in shock I told PJ to get the baby out of the toilet. He picked it up infront of my eyes and took it out to the kitchen. I told him to wrap it up, I threw on some pants, and we rushed to the hospital.

I don't really have the energy or heart to go on with any more details. Except that they did not give me a d&c and they sent me home. It also took them hours to take the baby out of the room from me and they didnt offer any explanation (weeks later) or any ceremony rights. Which they normally do. Also, weeks later I was admitted again to the hospital after losing a quarter of my blood. Turns out they left the placenta in me (from the first trip) and I had an infection. I needed immediate, emergency, surgery. And was in pain for days later.

We lost the baby 2 days before PJs birthday. We ended up planning our wedding and getting married on our 8 year anniversary and what would have been the due date. This subject is very touchy for me still and I have yet to become pregnant again. I just wish that we would have a succesful pregnancy and start a family. Even if it was just one child I could be blessed with.

Have to cut this short and go to bed, Ive reminded myself of too much and need to go put my mind to rest.

Just Venting.

I just need to vent, to this quiet computer of mine. That can't talk back and tell me to calm down and take it easy, that everything will be okay. Because in the back of my mind, I already know that. I just cant seem to stop worrying still.

Not being able to pay for the wedding of my dreams, surprisingly, isnt my biggest concern. Cause I can settle for lasagna instead of catering, and an ugly, cheap, dress instead of the one I really want and deserve. But when I owe my landlord rent, and I get a shut off notice each week in the mail for another one of my damn utilities, it really starts to take a toll on me.

I feel really bad for PJ. Because he has been working 2 days overtime each week just to get an extra couple hundred dollars in his paycheck. Which for someone else would do a whole lot. But for someone who owes taxes, unemployment, and pays out of his ass in child support - by the time we get the cash in our hands it's quickly paying something else. I cant bitch at him anymore about doing more for us and supporting me because he is doing the absolute best he can. And sad to say it just isnt good enough. Not that its not good enough for me, cause it is. But its not good enough for the world cause everyone just wants more of our money each week. Somehow his 2006 taxes got rejected and we didnt know till now, so they are about to take his wages if he doesnt re-do them by the end of the week. How are we supposed to redo his taxes, for 3 employers? When we have no money and we aren't very tax savy? Feels like things are mere impossible for us lately :(

And It just seems like we cant catch a break. I wish I could do more. I am only getting 30-33 hours in the pharmacy, and even if I was able to get 40 I doubt myself that I have enough physically energy to be on my feet that long. I wish things were easier. I know that other people in the world have bigger problems than mine. But when it comes down to it, there problems really dont matter. Cause I am the only one that has to deal with mine. Im driving a '90 Mercedes Benz - the window doesnt roll down, the handle broken off so I use plyers to open my door, my a.c. doesnt work, and the car oversheats after 15 minutes of traffic. And I cant even afford to lease a car or buy a new shitbox for $500.

And while trying to be happy after losing a baby, because we are now getting married, on the day that we would have had a baby..... it's almost impossible because of all the financial issues we are going through. Sometimes I wish I hadnt even decided to get married because it just seems like its extra strain on us, and my mom and Tim. Who are also going through enough of their own to have to worry about helping me make even half my dreams come true. It's so pathetic. We are getting married to do right under God, which we then believe he will open the floodgates of Heaven and pour out so much blessing upon us that we wont know what to do with. And whenever I am in doubt of pulling off this wedding PJ reminds me of how its not about material things, its about the commitment we are making to eachother. So God will make it happen and He will provide for us a way to get married.

But each day, our date comes closer and I worry more. And right now I am just so tired and drained that all I wanna do is take a shower and curl up into bed. But I have to work in 2 hours. I really wish I had the balls just to call out because I am in a bad mood. But then that wouldnt be the responsible thing to do. Because we really need the money. So its a lose, lose situation for me today. Im sweaty, and hormonal from my period, and miserable. And I just wish that a big fairy Godmother would come sweeping in and grant me one wish - and that wish I would ask for a million bucks to make my life alot easier.

I just need to keep telling myself that worrying this much isnt going to change anything. Just working harder, being more positive, and praying to God - those are the things that will make something happen. I cannot worry myself sick when I have so many things good in my life to be thankful for. I have an amazing fiance 7 years, we will be getting married and celebrating our 8th yr anniversary together in August. We have a car, granted its a shitbox. We have a roof over our head, granted we owe a little bit of past due rent. We have food on our table, even if we have to spend $50 less on groceries. We both have jobs, even though we dont make much money atleast we are not unemployed. If worst came to worst atleast we would always have my mothers house to move to * I hope* I have my best friend who is also my mother, I have Tim which is her Fiance and they both help us out tremendously. I have great friends who I never see, but are always there to talk to. I have cystic fibrosis and my health has been fine.

Sorry for rambling on- blog. I just really needed you to listen to me for 10 minutes before my head blew up!

Baby Blues

Itchy Boobs & Cravings

The itchy boobs could have just been from the sand that may have gathered in my top this morning while I was laying out on the beach. And the cravings could just be the devil trying to torture me since I have been eating so well the last 6 weeks. But for some reason today Im just in a funk. Well, not just today. I fell asleep lastnight thinking about my precious little baby that I lost in March, merely 3 months ago. You would think that because I was only 16 weeks pregnant and its been this long, thus far, that those thoughts wouldnt cross my mind and if they did it wouldnt hurt my heart. But it's not true. I still have the image of this precious little life that PJ had to get out of the toilet & I still wish I could have wrapped her up myself and sayed goodbye. I dont know what I was thinking- we just put her in a plastic baggy and dropped her in my purse as we rushed out for the hospital. Which there she stayed for 2 hours until they took her from me. Im assuming it was a "her" I never heard anything back from the hospital. I guess we accidentally donated her to science? Since I didn't know I was pregnant for 14 weeks, any inkling of a sign now I just want to run out and get a test. All the days I suffered exhaustion, morning sickness, nausea, heartburn or cravings... I just assumed was any other reason but pregnancy. Since it did take us almost 8 years to conceive and because of my Cystic Fibrosis which tends to cause me sickness anyways. Needless to say, I am terrified of becoming pregnant again and going through the same problems and torture as I did already. But then again, I wouldnt want to live the rest of my life childless either. And PJ has already decided he wants atleast one or two more kids (to create a family of our own, since he already has 2 other children from different mothers that it didnt work out with.) Since the D & C they gave me in April (after they accidentally left the placenta in me 3 wks and I almost hemorraghed to death) I have only had one slight "period" I think. And havent bled since. Plus with itchy boobs, being a little tired lately, and just wanting to open up my fridge and stuff my face- I put these 3 coinsidences into the possibility that I may just be pregnant. With that said, I will do nothing about it cause I know Im probably wrong anyways. But if I do feel anymore exhaustion or some heartburn, and still do not get my period next month maybe then I will test myself and see what is going on. I dont want to give my hopes up anyways. Im still healing from the heartache and just want to be a mom <3 <3 <3

UPDATE - JUNE 24TH - I GOT MY PERIOD. MUST NOT BE PREGNANT :( SHUX

On another note, Local Harvest.org was a link that I found on another blog. You can find nearby Farmer's Markets, which is great because I am originally from Haverhill, Ma - and living in New Hampshire now I am still very new to the area. I shop at Market Basket every Friday and they typically dont have a great source of vegetables & fruits. Not as many as a farm would have anyways, and probably not as great prices. So here are a few in my area that I just wanted to save so I can check out sometime.

Hurd Farm

11 Old Stage Rd
Hampton, NH 03842

Hurd Farm, LLC is a small family owned farm located on the scenic Taylor River in Hampton, NH. We were a dairy farm that has transistioned to locally raised all natural meats and poultry. The Hurd family has owned and operated the farm since 1923. Today we raise all natural grass fed beef and chickens and heritage breed pigs. Our meats and poultry are fed an all-natural diet with no added antibiotics or other additives as growth stimulants. Our animals are provided access to green grass and sunshine on our farm's 160 acres.We offer the best home grown beef, pork, chicken, and eggs to our customers. Our sales are direct from the farm (by appointment) or from local farm stores and markets

Apple Crest Farm Orchard

133 Exeter Road (Rt.88)
Hampton Falls, NH 03844

Since the days nearly a century ago, when an "Apple Train" ran its route from the heart of Boston to the rolling orchards of Hampton Falls, Applecrest Farm has remained a cornerstone of the local economy and community. A 4th generation farm, Applecrest is the oldest and largest orchard on the New Hampshire Seacoast, nutured on by the Wagner family, who remain dedicated to their simple mission of sustainably growing the finest fruit and vegetables available. Visiting the farm today, one will discover a bounty of grown-on-the-farm delights, including leafy greens and summer vegetables, over 30 varities of apples, tree-ripened peaches, nectarines, strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, sweet corn, pumpkins and fresh pressed all-natural cider from an on-site mill.

Ive Been Gone, Here's an Update.

A Miscarriage and a Wedding...

It's been just about 5 months since I have last written. Alot has happened since January. We got settled into our new place & somehow I just slipped back into my old ways. I stopped dieting and exercising and obviously have gained some weight back, of the little that I had lost.

In April I had gone to the Emergency room after, what I thought was hemorraging (vaginally) I had an irregular period for about 3 months and thought nothing of it. I just assumed because of being over weight, and my CF that it was normal. In the hospital they had asked me if I was pregnant and I said no. I have been with the same man 8 years now, never on birth control and it hasnt happened yet...so... they took a test and it came up positive. They then told me I was miscarrying. Where I also go to for my CF and where they have better obstetricians that specialize in high risk pregnancies. Mind you, this is all a surprise to me.

After a few hours and an ultrasound- we see a baby. Im 12 weeks along and the baby appears to be healthy and perfect. So Im not miscarrying. They send me back to the room & after another couple hours they proceed to give me an exam. During the exam I gush blood. They have to rush me in an ambulance to Boston, Ma to Tufts New England Medical Center. Where I also go to for my CF.

By the time I reach Boston the bleeding has stopped. More ultrasounds and exams and everything seems normal. So they send me home in the morning telling me I have a 50% chance to miscarry. Hoping for the best, but knowing what could be the worst I take the week off from work to stay home & rest. I get super excited about being pregnant and plan to have my own little family.

Weeks go by and everything is fine. I have no bleeding, I have heartburn, my boobs are aching and sore, lol all the normal signs of pregnancy. People ask me how did I not know that I was pregnant for 4 months? I didnt know because everytime I have heartburn I assume its from something I ate, everytime I am sick or feel like vomiting, I assume its from something I ate, or my CF. Whenever my stomach feels weird I think its my CF. Whatever is wrong with me I always suck it up and think its normal LOL.

On my 16th week I have my first prenatal appointment. This is also 2 days before PJs 31st birthday. We go to the appt and unfortunately they dont give me an exam or an ultrasound. So I am kind of bummed out. I was very anxious wondering if the baby was still alright. At that time, I know I hadnt miscarried and nothing felt wrong.. (Although, the day before at work- I had very bad cramping in my lower back I assumed it was normal (as I have felt that with PMS) The nurse can only try to hear the baby's heart beat with a monitor, which we do hear. But then I leave the appt in tears because I wanted an ultrasound so badly.

Not even 10 minutes after I have walked into my home, I sit on the toilet to pee and feel a rush of blood flow out. It doesnt hurt. I dont even have to push but I feel pressure. And suddenly my baby comes out. I'd rather not go into the rest of details but let's just say my poor lil angel had 10 fingers and toes and it was the most traumatic, traumatizing, heartbreaking, shocking thing I had ever been thru. PJ wrapped "her" up (assuming and believe it was a she, we never found out but I believe in my heart) and we rush to the hospital.

I lost my little baby. The hospital assumed I already lost the placenta and they call this a terminated abortion. They send me home and I go back to work a few days later. Within 3 weeks I am hemorraging again. I go back to the hospital, to make a long story short- I push out a blood clot the size of a melon, they give me an ultrasound and exam and realize I still have the placenta in me and have an infection. They give me an emergency D&C where I also lost more blood. I had lost a quarter of my blood. I am sent home with painkillers and iron to get my blood count back up.

I lost my baby on March 4th, so it has been almost 3 months now. It is very hard to cope with sometimes. But I try to remain with a positive attitude. I believe that everything happens for a reason and that God does have a plan for us. We have chose to get married now. Our wedding is on August 29th 2010 and we cannot wait to just commit under God. And then try to conceive again, the right way.

I have gained weight through all of this and now am back on my journey. I am feeling good. Counting calories again, dropped soda, and drinking only water at work. Eating fruits for breakfast, veggies for snack, and as much salad as I can tolerate. I am hoping to lose weight before the wedding and then 100 lbs by me and PJ's 10 year anniversary in two years....

Wish me luck ;)