Miscarriage Memories

A constant reminder of my miscarriage: babies and pregnant women.

Anything to do with babies or pregnancy. It's just hard to get past. I used to love the show 16 & Pregnant. I watched the whole first season non-stop. The second I had my miscarriage and saw that show again on MTV it just brought back uncomfortable feelings; feelings that I used to have when I was pregnant and watching that show. And now Im not pregnant, so I just can't  bare to watch it anymore. Sometimes it's pathetic. I try to pull myself out of the slum and be happy for other people, but I can't help but hurt inside and long for that feeling again. Which has also brought me to the point where I get insanely pissed off at pregnant women who take it for granted. Or even moms who take their children and/or their motherhood for granted. To put it simply, yes, life is just not fair!

I didn't know I was pregnant. I suffer from a terminal disease called Cystic Fibrosis which causes alot of weak immune, respiratory, and digestive complications. So when I was pregnant, I was not aware. Looking back on the pregnancy now I indeed see all the signs that I had missed and I am shocked that the thought never even crossed my mind that I might "be pregnant." I was extremely tired. I would come home from work and sleep the entire day and night away till the morning sun came. I assumed it was just my c.f. exhausting me, plus I was working alot more than I was used to. Everytime I ate cereal I felt sick, but I didn't eat cereal often so I assumed that was the reason. I had alot of heartburn, almost to the point where I couldnt stand it. But ofcourse, that was just something else that I assumed was something I ate, or related to my indigestion and my c.f. My period had always been irregular. I am over weight so it is just something that I am used to, and accept. I have been with PJ (my husband now but at the time my fiance) for 8 years without one pregnancy. We assumed I couldnt get pregnant. We had an active sex life and I was never on birth control, so being pregnant never crossed my mind - honestly.

I found out I was pregnant when I was 12 weeks. I had been bleeding irregularly for about 4 weeks at the time, it seems like everytime I "pushed to poop" a bright red color blood would stream out. Being a procrastantor and just irrisponsible it just took me awhile to go to the doctors. I showed up at the E.R. and ofcourse they asked me, "is there a chance you are pregnant?" I replied, "well maybe." We hadn't been "trying" to get pregnant, but I guess the chance is always there..... While waiting in the emergency room with my mom, the nurse asked to talk to me alone and then told me I was pregnant. I was in shock, I couldnt believe it, and asked if she was sure. Then I told my mother. She was frightened.

The doctor's there told me I was having a miscarriage. I had to call PJ and tell him. It took them hours to get me to an ultrasound. Where the technician there wasn't even aware that I was "possibly having a miscarriage" and she probably thought I knew I was pregnant. She told me the baby looked beautiful and everything seemed perfect. She pointed at it on the screen and talked to me like I had known what was going on, when in fact I didnt, and I was still in shock. I asked her if she could tell how far along I was, and then I realized how big the BABY actually was. She said maybe 12 or 13 weeks.

A long story short, the Dr. gave me a pelvic exam where blood ended up bursting out. She offered to "terminate the pregnancy" for me since there were no OBGYNs in the building. And I said NO! Why would I kill a freaking baby when you guys just told me that it was perfectly fine? All because you dont know where the blood is coming from? No way.... so they fled me to Boston.

Boston pretty much did the same. They gave me another ultrasound and pelvic exam and they told me that the baby looked to be in perfect condition and couldnt explain where the blood was coming from. They sent me home and told me that I could possibly miscarry in the next couple weeks.

It took friggin Women's Health Care weeks to get me an appointment. I was so excited to be pregnant. It seemed the bleeding stopped and although the Drs told me to go on with my normal life and duties, I tried to relax more and take it easy. I was terrified of having a miscarriage, and honestly, didnt think itd happen. I tried to not give my hopes up though. But when you are madly in love with this tiny baby in your belly already, it is pretty hard to not let yourself down when you lose it.

It was the day of my first appointment. I went in there and told them that I had started bleeding again that morning and had a horrible pain/cramp the night before. I begged and begged for an ultrasound or atleast a pelvic exam. Do you know what its like to be 17 weeks and for five weeks prior have been aware that you might miscarry.? How did I know my baby was even alive? Andthat everything was okay? It was very heartbreaking and unsettling. But they refused to give me either. Even with being a "high risk pregnancy" because of my CF. I was very dissapointed. So dissapointed that the nurse felt bad for me and offered a quick "sound check" before I left the office. She used that little monitor to try and listen to the baby's heartbeat, where (because I was overweight) she said it was hard to find, but she encouraged me that we heard it and I believed her. I left the office pissed off that they wouldnt give me an ultra sound for another few weeks and I still didntk now if my baby was okay :(

The minute I got home, I walked up the stairs and went to the bathroom to pee. Sitting on the toilet I felt some blood drizzle into the toilet and NO PAIN, NO CRAMPS, NO UN-NATURAL feeling, I felt something coming out. I could feel it. I was crying and screaming histerically from the toilet and I called my mom. I told her the baby was coming out. And she was too, histerical and told me call 911. I hung up, the baby came out, and I got up and histerical and in shock I told PJ to get the baby out of the toilet. He picked it up infront of my eyes and took it out to the kitchen. I told him to wrap it up, I threw on some pants, and we rushed to the hospital.

I don't really have the energy or heart to go on with any more details. Except that they did not give me a d&c and they sent me home. It also took them hours to take the baby out of the room from me and they didnt offer any explanation (weeks later) or any ceremony rights. Which they normally do. Also, weeks later I was admitted again to the hospital after losing a quarter of my blood. Turns out they left the placenta in me (from the first trip) and I had an infection. I needed immediate, emergency, surgery. And was in pain for days later.

We lost the baby 2 days before PJs birthday. We ended up planning our wedding and getting married on our 8 year anniversary and what would have been the due date. This subject is very touchy for me still and I have yet to become pregnant again. I just wish that we would have a succesful pregnancy and start a family. Even if it was just one child I could be blessed with.

Have to cut this short and go to bed, Ive reminded myself of too much and need to go put my mind to rest.