Ive Been Gone, Here's an Update.

A Miscarriage and a Wedding...

It's been just about 5 months since I have last written. Alot has happened since January. We got settled into our new place & somehow I just slipped back into my old ways. I stopped dieting and exercising and obviously have gained some weight back, of the little that I had lost.

In April I had gone to the Emergency room after, what I thought was hemorraging (vaginally) I had an irregular period for about 3 months and thought nothing of it. I just assumed because of being over weight, and my CF that it was normal. In the hospital they had asked me if I was pregnant and I said no. I have been with the same man 8 years now, never on birth control and it hasnt happened yet...so... they took a test and it came up positive. They then told me I was miscarrying. Where I also go to for my CF and where they have better obstetricians that specialize in high risk pregnancies. Mind you, this is all a surprise to me.

After a few hours and an ultrasound- we see a baby. Im 12 weeks along and the baby appears to be healthy and perfect. So Im not miscarrying. They send me back to the room & after another couple hours they proceed to give me an exam. During the exam I gush blood. They have to rush me in an ambulance to Boston, Ma to Tufts New England Medical Center. Where I also go to for my CF.

By the time I reach Boston the bleeding has stopped. More ultrasounds and exams and everything seems normal. So they send me home in the morning telling me I have a 50% chance to miscarry. Hoping for the best, but knowing what could be the worst I take the week off from work to stay home & rest. I get super excited about being pregnant and plan to have my own little family.

Weeks go by and everything is fine. I have no bleeding, I have heartburn, my boobs are aching and sore, lol all the normal signs of pregnancy. People ask me how did I not know that I was pregnant for 4 months? I didnt know because everytime I have heartburn I assume its from something I ate, everytime I am sick or feel like vomiting, I assume its from something I ate, or my CF. Whenever my stomach feels weird I think its my CF. Whatever is wrong with me I always suck it up and think its normal LOL.

On my 16th week I have my first prenatal appointment. This is also 2 days before PJs 31st birthday. We go to the appt and unfortunately they dont give me an exam or an ultrasound. So I am kind of bummed out. I was very anxious wondering if the baby was still alright. At that time, I know I hadnt miscarried and nothing felt wrong.. (Although, the day before at work- I had very bad cramping in my lower back I assumed it was normal (as I have felt that with PMS) The nurse can only try to hear the baby's heart beat with a monitor, which we do hear. But then I leave the appt in tears because I wanted an ultrasound so badly.

Not even 10 minutes after I have walked into my home, I sit on the toilet to pee and feel a rush of blood flow out. It doesnt hurt. I dont even have to push but I feel pressure. And suddenly my baby comes out. I'd rather not go into the rest of details but let's just say my poor lil angel had 10 fingers and toes and it was the most traumatic, traumatizing, heartbreaking, shocking thing I had ever been thru. PJ wrapped "her" up (assuming and believe it was a she, we never found out but I believe in my heart) and we rush to the hospital.

I lost my little baby. The hospital assumed I already lost the placenta and they call this a terminated abortion. They send me home and I go back to work a few days later. Within 3 weeks I am hemorraging again. I go back to the hospital, to make a long story short- I push out a blood clot the size of a melon, they give me an ultrasound and exam and realize I still have the placenta in me and have an infection. They give me an emergency D&C where I also lost more blood. I had lost a quarter of my blood. I am sent home with painkillers and iron to get my blood count back up.

I lost my baby on March 4th, so it has been almost 3 months now. It is very hard to cope with sometimes. But I try to remain with a positive attitude. I believe that everything happens for a reason and that God does have a plan for us. We have chose to get married now. Our wedding is on August 29th 2010 and we cannot wait to just commit under God. And then try to conceive again, the right way.

I have gained weight through all of this and now am back on my journey. I am feeling good. Counting calories again, dropped soda, and drinking only water at work. Eating fruits for breakfast, veggies for snack, and as much salad as I can tolerate. I am hoping to lose weight before the wedding and then 100 lbs by me and PJ's 10 year anniversary in two years....

Wish me luck ;)