Do It Yourself Wedding Crafts!

I haven't had internet for a couple weeks, but I am back now. With that said, while I was away and had no contact with the cyber world I made sure that I did many awesome things for my wedding - which is coming up in just 19 days!!!!!

These are all Do-It-Yourself crafts that I have made with items from The Dollar Tree, Building 19, Michael's Craft Store, Joanne's Fabrics, Walmart & Staples. Here you go - any questions email/write me.

Important:

Make sure you have a Hot Glue Gun and Glue sticks for these projects - at Walmart $4.99

I also used alot of Vellum Paper ( which is like Tracing Paper) - at Staples $11.99/package

I also used alot of Plain White Paper from my home computer, I used Microsoft Works ( I dont have Word)

and I also made sure to download awesome fonts from http://www.dafont.com/ before I started!

Alot of Different Color/Shaped Ribbons - from Walmart, Michaels, or Joann's for $.99-$4.99/each

V.I.P Head Table Numbers

( Which I am using for my Parent/Sibling tables )

-Large Corinthian Candles (which I purchased for $1.00 each at Dollar Tree)

-Clean the Candles to ensure the glue will stick

-Print out your Design from your home computer/printer onto the Vellum Paper

-Wrap the vellum paper around the candle & use the hot glue gun to glue on

My candles have the table number and an exerp from the Bible -

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres"

Aswell as, "Felicty & Paul Merrill, August 29th 2010"

Table Number Candle Votives

-Clean the Votives to ensure the glue will stick properly

-Print out what you want the candles to say onto the vellum paper (which is like tracing paper)

-Fit the vellum paper around the candle, cut, and glue on with a hot glue gun

(one strip of glue on the candle and then where the paper overlaps is just fine)

-Then glue the ribbon around the bottom of the candle

-Glue the fancy damask paper clips (or whatever you are using) onto each candle

-Print out table numbers & use a paper cutter to cut exact size for each one

My candles say - "Thank You for Sharing Our Special Day,

on this Sunday of August the 29th 2010, Mrs. and Mr. Felicity and Paul Merrill"

Personalized Candle Votives

-Clean the Votives to ensure the glue will stick properly

-Print out what you want the candles to say onto the vellum paper

-Fit the vellum paper around the candle, cut, and glue on

-Tie little bows with the Ribbon & glue onto the candles

-Glue on little diamond accents or other embellishments

My personalized candles say - "Felicity and Paul, August 29, 2010, Mr. and Mrs. Merrill"

Designed in a repeated pattern using different fonts & colors on each line.

Bride & Groom Candle

-Clean the Votives to ensure the glue will stick properly

-Print out what you want the candles to say onto the vellum paper once again

-Fit the vellum paper around the candle, cut, and glue on

-Cut a strip of fancy Ribbon going upwards on the overlap of the paper

-Glue on another piece of Fancy vertical Ribbon

-Glue on more accent pieces - I used diamonds!

My Bride candle says, "Bride, Felicity Eliza"

My Groom candle says, "Groom, Paul Francis"

Head Table Candles

( one for the Bride's Maid table & one for the Groom's Men table )

-Large cylinder Vase perchused at The Dollar Tree for $1.00/each

-Cleaned the glass, printed on the vellum paper, glued onto the Vase

-Filled each Vase with Purple Sand which I got at The Dollar Tree for $1.00/each

Also stuck in a beautiful Tapered Candle from The Dollar Tree for $1.00/package of 4

-Then I glued on a designer ribbon around each Vase

These candles say, "Mr. and Mrs. Felicity and Paul Merrill"

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres"

"August 29th 2010"

Program Scrolls

-Use fancy paper. I bought this paper above at Staples for $9.99/package

( the front has a damask footer/header and the back is a repeated damask pattern )

-Design a personalized Program which includes the bridal party or the Food Menu

( on mine I included my bridal party and my ceremony reading aswell as our monogram)

-Print onto this paper from your home computer or have a friend help if you aren't too saavy

-Roll into iddy biddy scrolls and wrap one or two pieces of ribbon around & tie shut

These are a great touch to any table or ontop of a charger plate & napkin!

Personalized Confetti

-You will need a HOLE PUNCHER for this project

( I used a 1.50'' inch hole puncher which I purchased at Joann's Fabrics for $9.99 )

-I did a repeated, spaced out pattern on my computer (Microsoft Word or Works will do)

-Use different fonts and different font colors & Print out onto the Vellum paper

-Then use the hole puncher to cut out each piece! Voila! You got confetti!

Ring Bearer's Pillow

-Cheap pillow from The Dollar Tree for $1.00

( I cut off the ribbon that was already around it. I know! Who would have thought!? )

-Use a beautiful thick Patterned Ribbon (or fabric) and glue around the pillow

-Then take a slimmer ribbon (or fabric) and glue ontop of the prior ribbon

-Glue an embellishment into the center of each side of pillow

( I used a large diamond piece that I actually cut from old flip-flops haha

But you could use your last name Initial or anything you'd like )

Personalized Guest Book

-Guest book purchased at Joann's Fabrics for $14.99 (came in nice box w/attached pen)

( Also - this book came with the tooling & heart embellishment at the top so I was lucky)

-Glue onto the bottom of the book (open & glue inside aswell as a continued pattern from outside)

the Fancy thick Ribbon you used for Ring pillow & then the smaller thin ribbon

-Then wrap each piece of ribbon around the pen and glue that on aswell to match!

-Glue on an Initial embellishment or Jewel. I used an "M" for my new last name, Merrill.

Which I puchased a package of alphabets from Joann's on clearance for a buck!!!!

Personalized Card Box

-Purchase a cheap or a fancy card box anywhere

( I got mine already satin, with diamond accent top at Joann's for $24.99)

-Glue on the same fancy thick & thin ribbon or fabric you used for your ring pillow & guest book

around the center of the box (going all the way around the box)

-Place your Initial onto the front & use the hot glue gun to glue

( I got my letter at Michael's for $1.99 I think and just kept it white without painting it )

-Stick a fancy bow, ribbon, or fake matching flowers ontop if you want

Main Flower Girl's Bouquet

This bouquet will be used by my step-daughter,

she is too young to be a bride's maid but to old to carry a flower basket.

And to be quite honest, I couldn't afford another $50-100 bouquet from my Florist.

All I did was purchase 3 fake purple roses from Michaels at $1.19/each

-Cut all the leaves off of the stems (you will glue them back on later)

-Wrap the 3 flowers together with fancy ribbon (and glue on together)

-Use tooling & other thin ribbon to make 2 bows and tie (aswell as glue onto bouquet)

-Once my bouquet was done I glued the leaves back on, at just the top of the bouquet as you can see.

By all means, if you cannot afford a florist you could do this with all of your bouquets.

These are my Bride's Maids bouquets that I purchased from a florist

Here is Most of my matching Wedding Decor

As you can see I went with a Damask black & white pattern with Purple accents

I had a blast using my home computer printing on the Vellum paper,

and I always used different designs, and different colored fonts also -

which I placed on different sized candles and glass vases.

You can do the same to give your wedding a personalized feel, for cheap!!

I also made a ton of personalized wine glasses as Gifts for my Bride's Maids and other people who helped me with this wedding - my Justice of the Peace, Photographer, Cake Designer, etc.

Pictures and Post next time ;)

Team Bride

So over the weekend my Bridesmaids and I decided to head over to Michael's Crafts and pick up some t-shirts and iron ons to make 'TEAM BRIDE' shirts. Which they'll wear for my bridal shower in 2 weeks and probably half way through the wedding reception when they change out of their dresses... here are the pics.

Just Venting.

I just need to vent, to this quiet computer of mine. That can't talk back and tell me to calm down and take it easy, that everything will be okay. Because in the back of my mind, I already know that. I just cant seem to stop worrying still.

Not being able to pay for the wedding of my dreams, surprisingly, isnt my biggest concern. Cause I can settle for lasagna instead of catering, and an ugly, cheap, dress instead of the one I really want and deserve. But when I owe my landlord rent, and I get a shut off notice each week in the mail for another one of my damn utilities, it really starts to take a toll on me.

I feel really bad for PJ. Because he has been working 2 days overtime each week just to get an extra couple hundred dollars in his paycheck. Which for someone else would do a whole lot. But for someone who owes taxes, unemployment, and pays out of his ass in child support - by the time we get the cash in our hands it's quickly paying something else. I cant bitch at him anymore about doing more for us and supporting me because he is doing the absolute best he can. And sad to say it just isnt good enough. Not that its not good enough for me, cause it is. But its not good enough for the world cause everyone just wants more of our money each week. Somehow his 2006 taxes got rejected and we didnt know till now, so they are about to take his wages if he doesnt re-do them by the end of the week. How are we supposed to redo his taxes, for 3 employers? When we have no money and we aren't very tax savy? Feels like things are mere impossible for us lately :(

And It just seems like we cant catch a break. I wish I could do more. I am only getting 30-33 hours in the pharmacy, and even if I was able to get 40 I doubt myself that I have enough physically energy to be on my feet that long. I wish things were easier. I know that other people in the world have bigger problems than mine. But when it comes down to it, there problems really dont matter. Cause I am the only one that has to deal with mine. Im driving a '90 Mercedes Benz - the window doesnt roll down, the handle broken off so I use plyers to open my door, my a.c. doesnt work, and the car oversheats after 15 minutes of traffic. And I cant even afford to lease a car or buy a new shitbox for $500.

And while trying to be happy after losing a baby, because we are now getting married, on the day that we would have had a baby..... it's almost impossible because of all the financial issues we are going through. Sometimes I wish I hadnt even decided to get married because it just seems like its extra strain on us, and my mom and Tim. Who are also going through enough of their own to have to worry about helping me make even half my dreams come true. It's so pathetic. We are getting married to do right under God, which we then believe he will open the floodgates of Heaven and pour out so much blessing upon us that we wont know what to do with. And whenever I am in doubt of pulling off this wedding PJ reminds me of how its not about material things, its about the commitment we are making to eachother. So God will make it happen and He will provide for us a way to get married.

But each day, our date comes closer and I worry more. And right now I am just so tired and drained that all I wanna do is take a shower and curl up into bed. But I have to work in 2 hours. I really wish I had the balls just to call out because I am in a bad mood. But then that wouldnt be the responsible thing to do. Because we really need the money. So its a lose, lose situation for me today. Im sweaty, and hormonal from my period, and miserable. And I just wish that a big fairy Godmother would come sweeping in and grant me one wish - and that wish I would ask for a million bucks to make my life alot easier.

I just need to keep telling myself that worrying this much isnt going to change anything. Just working harder, being more positive, and praying to God - those are the things that will make something happen. I cannot worry myself sick when I have so many things good in my life to be thankful for. I have an amazing fiance 7 years, we will be getting married and celebrating our 8th yr anniversary together in August. We have a car, granted its a shitbox. We have a roof over our head, granted we owe a little bit of past due rent. We have food on our table, even if we have to spend $50 less on groceries. We both have jobs, even though we dont make much money atleast we are not unemployed. If worst came to worst atleast we would always have my mothers house to move to * I hope* I have my best friend who is also my mother, I have Tim which is her Fiance and they both help us out tremendously. I have great friends who I never see, but are always there to talk to. I have cystic fibrosis and my health has been fine.

Sorry for rambling on- blog. I just really needed you to listen to me for 10 minutes before my head blew up!

My Hand-made Escort Cards

So this morning was our cake testing. PJ asked to stay home because he worked 60 hours this week and didn't have a day off yet and wanted to sleep in. So I told him that if he didn't go that he had no say in cake design or flavor lol, which works for me cause we couldn't agree anyways haha. So I met my mom at Walmart, cashed my check and then we went to Starbucks. We both ordered black cherry frappacino's and sat down. My appointment was at 10:00 am, 10:15 rolled by and I tried to call my cake designer and got the voicemail. I figured she probably just forgot but ended up that her daughter was sick and she had left me an email, but because I never check my email I didnt get it. Ohwell. A little miscommunication on both our ends so we just rescheduled. Since my mom drove up a half hour and was in the area we decided to do a little shopping. We went over to Joanne's Fabrics and I ended up buying 150 White card sheets, glitter glue, and some vellum papers with cute little love phrases on each. After saying goodbye to my lovely mother I sat at my dining room table for approximately 5 hours making my escort cards. Luckily the photo department at work let me borrow their paper cutter so it made things easy for me....

Here is how I made my escort cards!

First I cut 60 foldable plain, white cards.

Then I cut 60 smaller, cream, matted pieces of paper.

I then glued the matted paper ontop of

the plain paper for a layered effect.

Then I glued a piece of vellum paper,

which had a different love quote on each - into the escort cards.

Then I took a black pen & hand-drew swirls onto each card.

I did 4 different designs to total a count of 60 escort cards.

I then took my purple and silver glitter glue and did the designs.

Then I decided to go through them all and

 put a silver stripe down them also.

They actually look even more beautiful in person.

The silver sparkles just like diamonds, which I love.

Now they are drying on my dining room table.

As soon as I get the wedding replies in the mail,

I will tweek my seating chart a bit and then

write in the names and table numbers onto each.

And maybe this week, since I have alot of paper left over

I will hand-make all the Table number cards also.

Now.... how I sat that long and did such a great job when I am totally miserable & PMSing, do not ask, cause I have no clue. Maybe by the glory of God! He gave me the patience and creativity I needed, if just for 5 hours - to do what I needed to get done. I also bought the cake knife & spatula and my tiara, which I will post pictures of tomorrow. Right now I am going to get offline and lay down in bed and watch some tv. My back is killing me and I need to rest before another long week at work..... night <3

Meeting With the Cake Designer

Tomorrow we are meeting with the cake designer (shout out to Ashlee at Colville Custom Cakery) at 10 am to do a taste testing. I planned on giving her the topper, some ribbon, and some accessories that will be used on the cake, along with a deposit but ran short of that. So I feel even more stressed that I cant even give the chic $50 to save the date (though Im sure she will anyways, money is a great incentive.) The cake to the left is my inspiration for what I would like. Although not 5 tiers, I only want 3 tiers. Square. Ribbon on the bottom and the top layer. My beautiful cursive "M" topper and  some diamond accessories. In the middle I would like either filligree, paisley, or swirls like on our invitations... and I was hoping for a chocolate cake with raspberry filling and maybe buttercream frosting. But PJ wants marble or vanilla and no filling at all. So we'll see what happens. I'll pretty much just show Ashlee the picture of this cake, give her a few of my ideas, and leave it all up to her, since she is the professional anyways. Im sure she will make me something beautiful <3

Besides sounding really happy about my cake, which I am - I guess since the miscarriage my body is finally back to normal? Not sure how I feel about that statement. I now have my first actual period since. And it is distgusting, sorry. It started with cravings. I just wanted to go through my fridge a few times in the middle of the night and stuff my fat face. Then I started feeling irritable and annoyed at work at the slightest things. Which, people did notice. Then the lower back cramps started and today it is just throbbing. Not to mention I am an emotional wreck. I am just so stressed out. Feeling shitty like this (might I add on a beautiful day, and I can't go lay on the beach and tan) and worrying about paying bills and paying for a wedding is driving me psychotic. Poor PJ. I am just the bride-to-be from hell. And I don't mean to be. Because he works way more hours than I do, and much harder labor (so I am actually proud and thankful of that) but I still dont like the fact that he pays $800 a month child support, our bills have been running late, we just make rent, and in the meantime of all that, we have to still pay for the cake, pay off the J.P, get his daughter a dress, still get our wedding rings, get our marriage license, and a few more decorations for the reception. I'm also worried that I haven't went and paid off my dress (a dress of which I am not 100% on, I was rushed my one and only day at the bridal shop, and everyone else liked the dress more than I did. I just need one more day to try stuff on and make a decision before paying that off) then have to find shoes and accessories and worry about how I am going to feed 200 people. We have barely any hours at work, and even if we did, I am just so run down most of the time I can barely work extra hours without collapsing! Needless to say, I just sent PJ out on a walk to find me Midol and some Cherry Garcia icecream. I felt sick all day so ate really light so I know that I am low in calories and eating a quarter of this pint will not put me over.... so that is what I am going to do now, and watch a movie with my babe as soon as he gets bac, and try to be my usual sweet self and not let this PMS ruin my life too badly. Toodles.

PS - ANYONE THAT WANTS A LAYOUT SIMILAR TO THIS, COMMENT BELOW WITH A FEW IDEAS AND/OR QUOTES, OR EMAIL ME SOME PICTURES THAT YOUD LIKE ME TO USE, AND I CAN EMAIL YOU BACK THE CODE TO COPY & PASTE.  For free ofcourse. I did web design for 4 years before I started working in the pharmacy and I miss it sometimes. And... I would love to credit the site where I got all this cool stuff to make my layout, but at the moment I cant remember. I know its from one of my links on the bottom right though.

More & More Favors!

Another Day of Hard Work!

So we went at it again yesterday. Picked up another box of 40 plain candle votives & I sat at my mother's kitchen table for 8 long hours (with a back ache) gluing on ribbon, diamonds, charms, and purple tooling. They came out beautiful. I felt bad though, whenever my mom tried to help me- I went into Bridezilla mode & just critiqued everything she , did, which then I would redo whatever it was she did.... more perfectly LOL She was a good sport & understood. I just have OCD and want everything perfect.

Once I was done with the votive favors I started trying ideas for the center pieces. I will have about 20-22 tables depending on the responses for the wedding and so I have 22 glass pieces that I need to look absolutely beautiful.

I decided to go with purple tooling, tied it around the glass vase in a cute little bow, then glued a diamond above the knot, and below the knot. I have some clear jelly-like liquid that will go in the vases, with some purple diamond shaped crystals on top. I then might use a candle, or some sort of flower to top it off. Pictures to follow much later on....

Last but not least- vases. Lots of big vases. My mom keeps asking me why I am buying so many and what I am going to do with them? This one on the right- I will probably put a long purple candle inside, or a pillar candle and have the crystals around it. But this is just an example of how fabulous everything is turning out. With just some beautiful ribbon and a bit of diamonds you can turn the most ordinary glass piece into something very classy and expensive looking. One of the vases I got yesterday will end up with water and a purple chinese fish in it. And will maybe be placed on the card or the cake table. Another vase will end up with floating flowers in it (purple ofcourse) and will also be placed on one of the tables. And I just cannot wait for PJ to walk into this venue, along with the other 200 guests and just be amazed at how beautiful everything looks. And it's been so much fun. Ill write again next weekend with more wedding photos- as I will be meeting my cake designer early Sunday morning to go over ideas and taste testing!!!!

And as for Weightloss....

Last week working on stuff at my mother's house I was sucked into McDonalds and at home was forced into cheeseburgers & hotdogs on the grill. At which on Monday (just to check) I weighed in 3 lbs over. I worked really hard and by Thursday had gone down another 4 1/2 lbs which only left me 1 1/2 lbs down since my last weigh in. So that was kind of a bummer. This weekend I did a little better. Although still eating from the grill at my mom's- I opted for a burger and potatoe salad and then today when PJ cooked for me I had a CHICK PATTY grilled to a crisp over a very big salad & it was delicious. But because it is 101 degrees right now and I have no one to go catch some waves with me, I have already eaten 2 italian ices which come in at 130 calories a piece. I have not logged my food intake for the last 3 days because I have been so extremely busy but tomorrow I will get back to counting calories and back on the grind. And if it isnt so hot this week, maybe walk a few miles each day. So... needless to say in the last 15 weeks I went from 278 lbs to 263 lbs which is still an accomplishment for me to be proud of. My clothes are feeling a little better and I am feeling a little sexier just knowing that I can do this finally <3

Food & Favors

A Weekend in Bride hell

    

Okay, well first. Let's just say that instead of spending $200 buying invitations my mother decided to pick some "do it yourself" ones up at Michael's craft store. First, I was very worried that I wouldnt like them, second I was worried it would be too hard (as computer & web design genius I am, I still worried.) I got to my mom's house early Saturday morning with my stepdaughter Aliana. To my surprise, the invitations were gorgeous, they came with easy instructions, and I was very excited. We ran into a few problems with the printer and the program that you have to use to create the wording, but overall it only took me about 3 hours to print 80 invitations and 80 reply cards. After that- my mother tied on all the ribbons and then we ran out to the craft store to buy some stuff for the favors.

My mother had gotten about 50 little glass candle votives. We decided to go with two different color purple ribbons and lots of bling bling. We also got little charms that say "Thank You" and "Love" It was like an assembly line in my mother's dining room haha. Aliana cut the ribbon, Melonie (whos like a second mom to me and my step-mother-in-law) glued the ribbons on the votives, my friend Lauren placed the charms on the ribbon, and then I glued the jewels & charms onto the votives and my mom put the candle in the votives and boxed them up!!! She also ordered another 60 more that we will be making this weekend aswell, cant wait. I actually had a blast. Except for being Miss Sticky Fingers. And getting bit by a bug outside right before we went into the craft store- causing my eyelid to swell up like a balloon :( So there is the "FAVOR" part of the title... here comes the food part...

On the trip home from the craft store my mom decided to stop at McDonalds to torture me. I gave in & had the 2 cheeseburger meal, large with fries and coke. I was very ashamed of myself that night and couldnt believe I gave into temptation. 13 lbs down & my first time in 5 weeks. Not only that but PJ decided to cook on the grill all weekend. So not only did I have McDonalds but overall I had 2 cheeseburgers and a few hotdogs aswell. So now Im really looking forward to Monday start & get back into the grind of the things I have been working hard on- eating right & walking.

Anyways- its late and Ive had a long weekend- toodles.

Wedding Veil & Shoes.

My Mother Made my Veil & Headband

And I love them both. They look amazing. I was really worried because I didnt want the veil to be too long, or too short, or too tacky and detailed. But the veil came out amazzzziinnngg. And she just needs to finish the headband. Which I told her to stick a few tiny purple crystals on it aswell as a few more clear ones. Making a veil yourself for $30 beats buying one from David's Bridal - they run anywhere from $50 to $300 and probably even more. This veil my mother made, with all the detail, would probably be close to $300. So I am very happy that she did this for me. I can't wait to see it in person <3

And lastnight I fell asleep thinking about my shoes. I know the type of style that I am looking for (as seen above) but considering I am 266 lbs not sure if I will actually be able to walk in any of the shoes that I love. So maybe I could find a similar shoe, with a smaller, chunkier heel, and if it doesnt have all the sparkly bling on it, I can just do it myself. I really like the 2nd shoe here the best. The first would be one that I would bling up myself. It'd be perfect if I could find any of these shoes in white. But on David's Bridal website they only came in silver or gold. Blaaaahhhh.

Anyways- just wanted to blog before I get my day started. Seem like when I express myself in the morning I chat less at work haha. No way. Never. I am a talk-a-holic and I never shut up lol. Everyone have a good Monday!

Im Getting Married

Mrs. Merrill to be...

So this is the place that I will wed the love of my life, PJ on August 29, 2010.  The ceremony will be held in Boxford, Ma. It will be low-key. Only me, my groom, our parents, our bridal party, photographer, and videographer. Then the reception will be in Haverhill, Ma and we have about 150 guests!

For choosing to get married just 4 weeks ago- with only 96 days left to go- I already have the ceremony and reception paid. Flowers picked out and paid. Sending out invitations next week, but already have seating arrangement done. David's Bridal in 3 days to pick out my dress! All that is left then, is picking out Rings, decorations, and figuring out the catering and cake! I think!

Check out our wedding website:

www.weddingwire.com/mrandmrsmerrill

Ive Been Gone, Here's an Update.

A Miscarriage and a Wedding...

It's been just about 5 months since I have last written. Alot has happened since January. We got settled into our new place & somehow I just slipped back into my old ways. I stopped dieting and exercising and obviously have gained some weight back, of the little that I had lost.

In April I had gone to the Emergency room after, what I thought was hemorraging (vaginally) I had an irregular period for about 3 months and thought nothing of it. I just assumed because of being over weight, and my CF that it was normal. In the hospital they had asked me if I was pregnant and I said no. I have been with the same man 8 years now, never on birth control and it hasnt happened yet...so... they took a test and it came up positive. They then told me I was miscarrying. Where I also go to for my CF and where they have better obstetricians that specialize in high risk pregnancies. Mind you, this is all a surprise to me.

After a few hours and an ultrasound- we see a baby. Im 12 weeks along and the baby appears to be healthy and perfect. So Im not miscarrying. They send me back to the room & after another couple hours they proceed to give me an exam. During the exam I gush blood. They have to rush me in an ambulance to Boston, Ma to Tufts New England Medical Center. Where I also go to for my CF.

By the time I reach Boston the bleeding has stopped. More ultrasounds and exams and everything seems normal. So they send me home in the morning telling me I have a 50% chance to miscarry. Hoping for the best, but knowing what could be the worst I take the week off from work to stay home & rest. I get super excited about being pregnant and plan to have my own little family.

Weeks go by and everything is fine. I have no bleeding, I have heartburn, my boobs are aching and sore, lol all the normal signs of pregnancy. People ask me how did I not know that I was pregnant for 4 months? I didnt know because everytime I have heartburn I assume its from something I ate, everytime I am sick or feel like vomiting, I assume its from something I ate, or my CF. Whenever my stomach feels weird I think its my CF. Whatever is wrong with me I always suck it up and think its normal LOL.

On my 16th week I have my first prenatal appointment. This is also 2 days before PJs 31st birthday. We go to the appt and unfortunately they dont give me an exam or an ultrasound. So I am kind of bummed out. I was very anxious wondering if the baby was still alright. At that time, I know I hadnt miscarried and nothing felt wrong.. (Although, the day before at work- I had very bad cramping in my lower back I assumed it was normal (as I have felt that with PMS) The nurse can only try to hear the baby's heart beat with a monitor, which we do hear. But then I leave the appt in tears because I wanted an ultrasound so badly.

Not even 10 minutes after I have walked into my home, I sit on the toilet to pee and feel a rush of blood flow out. It doesnt hurt. I dont even have to push but I feel pressure. And suddenly my baby comes out. I'd rather not go into the rest of details but let's just say my poor lil angel had 10 fingers and toes and it was the most traumatic, traumatizing, heartbreaking, shocking thing I had ever been thru. PJ wrapped "her" up (assuming and believe it was a she, we never found out but I believe in my heart) and we rush to the hospital.

I lost my little baby. The hospital assumed I already lost the placenta and they call this a terminated abortion. They send me home and I go back to work a few days later. Within 3 weeks I am hemorraging again. I go back to the hospital, to make a long story short- I push out a blood clot the size of a melon, they give me an ultrasound and exam and realize I still have the placenta in me and have an infection. They give me an emergency D&C where I also lost more blood. I had lost a quarter of my blood. I am sent home with painkillers and iron to get my blood count back up.

I lost my baby on March 4th, so it has been almost 3 months now. It is very hard to cope with sometimes. But I try to remain with a positive attitude. I believe that everything happens for a reason and that God does have a plan for us. We have chose to get married now. Our wedding is on August 29th 2010 and we cannot wait to just commit under God. And then try to conceive again, the right way.

I have gained weight through all of this and now am back on my journey. I am feeling good. Counting calories again, dropped soda, and drinking only water at work. Eating fruits for breakfast, veggies for snack, and as much salad as I can tolerate. I am hoping to lose weight before the wedding and then 100 lbs by me and PJ's 10 year anniversary in two years....

Wish me luck ;)