All Things { FABulized }: OA (Over Eaters Anonymous)

Day 27 & down 9 lbs

I woke up at 5:30 this morning, dreading that on my only one day to sleep in I had to do this. But I had already promised to my aunt that I would go. She has been attending "OA" or Over Eaters Anonymous for 3 years now and has lost a numerous amount of weight, fluctuating up and down because of course she is a "food addict" too. I wasn't sure what to expect. Having a friend who suffered from a drug addiction I already knew what these meetings were structured like - but it being about food had me thrown off a little and I didn't know how it would help ME.

It wasn't the first time I thought I might be a food addict, or realized I had an unhealthy relationship with food, as compared to others anyway. Not that I thought that way about myself often, but being 27 days into the "healthier me" I knew that the way I felt about food was more of an addiction or a way of thinking and feeling, than a hunger in my stomach telling me to eat.

I had recently slipped up one day when I came home late from work about 930 pm and it was a Friday night, we had money in the bank but no groceries - I offered for us to eat out, picturing a big fat turkey sub (instead of a steak bomb or a cheese burger special) as soon as my husband mentioned MCDONALDS... I had absolutely no self control. The minute the words mumbled out of his mouth I was committed. I could taste it and there was nothing else I could eat. I sent him off to get me a 2 cheese burger meal, large with a coke, and a chicken nugget on the side! After I ate all of that I felt horrible. For one, about a half an hour later I still felt hungry, and for two I felt like a failure. I kept asking myself inside my head, "why do you have no self control. Why cant you just say no?" And I couldn't see why it was so hard for me.

Another example just a week or so ago. One of my best friends threw a 4th of July cook out. I knew that morning it was going to be a challenge for me because I was heavily counting my calories at this point and doing an amazing job, so I already had in mind that I would eat only the healthy stuff and I would not ruin what I have worked so hard for that week. When I got there, I tried to fill up on a bottle of water and a fresh fruit salad. Being out in the sun, almost fully dressed because I am fat and don't dare to show up any where in public in shorts - I was already miserable. I tried to have a good time, hanging out with friends, and later my husband showing up (which is a rare thing to happen.) My besty Lauren was cooking up a storm- first came the hamburgers, cheeseburgers, and hot dogs. I made my husband a huge plate and I refrained from eating any of that, instead I had a few fresh slices of pepper and some celery with dip. I tried to patiently wait for her to cook up the chicken. I intended on throwing it on a pile of salad and thought about how great I was doing. But during this time, I had an awful, bitchy, jealous, feeling inside of me. Cause so badly I just wanted that f_cking cheeseburger! Or that f_cking hotdog! And finally I felt like the chicken was taking too long and I was starved and was not able to control myself any longer so me and my husband actually left and went home!

It was that night that I realized that my want or need for food was unhealthy. That I let it affect me in such a way that it ruined a perfectly good time for me. I felt like a drug addict. While everyone else was happy around me, eating their burgers and dogs - they didnt even realize how I felt deep down inside. And it made me angry. Im like wtf is wrong with me?

So this morning I attended an Over Eaters Anonymous group at 730 this morning. I'm still not sure what I think of it. There was more of an older (and even older) crowd there, just a few young people. I related to some of their stories about food. Most of them stick to 2 salads a day and have cut out all sugar and flour from their diet. Personally, I don't think I ever could. I've watched so many shows about weight loss; Biggest Loser and Extreme Weight loss Make over myself that I feel like, why should we have to completely give up the foods we love? Instead we should be able to control ourselves and eat them in moderation. I have met hundreds of people online through out the last couple years who believe the same. That by counting calories, eating fresher, healthier foods, and with exercise that you can still eat what you love and lose weight. I also am not sure about having a "sponsor". Although it seems great to be able to call or go to just ONE person who is there, dedicated to helping you make the better choice.... I am not sure that I am ready to let someone like that into my life right now. I may check out a few more meetings before making a decision about that. Again, all of their stories were great and it was awesome to see people who have been dedicated to OA for 20+ years and have kept the weight off. There was also a strong presence of spirituality in that room that made me feel like I was at church and that God was beside me :)

If you'd like to check out a meeting with me and are close by - just let me know. Here is the website just incase you want more information! http://www.oa.org/

For now, I am going to continue counting my calories on my MFP and trying to exercise. When things aren't so tight anymore money wise I plan on getting a gym membership to help me along as well....

And of course I will always take pictures of what I eat and document my every move, so get over it!