My Health is Deteriorating.

Just venting. But seriously. I shouldn't feel like this at 29 years old.

Let's start at what seems most important; my cystic fibrosis. Although I have what my doctor would call a "mild case" because unlike other CF'ers I am not malnutritioned, and I have not needed a lung transplant. But I do suffer from alot of digestion problems and was recently told that I need an endoscopy.  So among the flip floppity routine of diahhrea/constipation/abdominal pains - I really think I need to see a rheumatologist.

I may be over weight now, and actually - have pretty much always been (compared to my skinny friends). But when I was younger I was very active in jazz and gymnastics for many years. And even through those classes and gym at school I can recall a grinding, achey, crunching noise in my knees. Which now ofcourse as an overweight adult has just gotten worse. Going up or down the stairs or bending over, my knee literally CRUNCHES and it feels like the bones grind together. Yes! Get to the Dr and stop bitching I know. Not my point in this rant....

For a long time I tried to get social security & disability. I fought it with every inch of my being, even down to hiring a lawyer and bringing it to court in Boston, Ma. I was denied and the judge told me I was "too young to be disabled" Well hunny, I was sick, very sick, and was hospitalized a few times a year when I had to be completely drained out because of my c.f.  Only the past 3 years have I been working again, in the pharmacy.

And every day I come home, once I relax.... I can barely get back onto my feet again. My feet are in SO MUCH PAIN that I can barely walk and really really really wish I could fly to the bathroom to pee. I feel like I am keeled over in pain, walking on feet that arent supposed to feel this way and could crumble at any moment. My ankles and my knees throb, throb, throb. My shoulders and my neck I can barely move at night. I was recommended to a rheumotologist years ago by my CF doctor at which I blew off the appointment and now Im dying to be seen.

I feel like in ten years if this problem isn't fixed soon that I am going to be crippled. I literally dragged myself into the bathroom tonight to take a steaming hundred degree hot shower and just wanted to throw in my pillow and blanket and fall asleep. I refused to get out for almost an hour, until the water turned cold. And once I was out I could feel my body from the inside out start to ache again and I broke down in tears. I am fed up to the sky in feeling this much pain every day. And I dont know what is causing it. Is it cause Im fat? Do I have lyme disease? Do I have arthritis?

I know I need to see a Dr asap and this is why Im writing this rant tonight. I promise, to you (my readers and my computer screen) that I am going to get to an appointment asap and someone has to find out what is wrong with me. I work in a pharmacy, I dont want to be put on pain meds. I see what it does to people and the lives that it ruins. But I need help. I need to get this figured out.

NOT TO MENTION! I lost 14 lbs in like 20 days and my last weigh in I was up 5 lbs. WTF? Is it because Im depressed and tears are building up behind my eyelids? Is it because Im severely PMSing and Im bloated with water weight? Cuz whhhhat thhhhe f_cccckkkk :( I haven't done anything different (besides Mcdonalds 2 cheeseburger meal one night late at work and literally 2 cokes) Other than that, Im still eating really really good. So why did I gain? Was it really the Mcdonalds? Ugg. Im so depressed tonight. Sometimes I feel like losing weight is not attainable, I cant even get to my shortest goal at 250 lbs.

Does anyone else want to rant here? About gainging this week or having unbareable pain that they go thru, that you just feel like falling apart over? And if so, any advice? Sorry to be a saddened suzie tonight :( Im just down in the dumps. (and i dont wanna say it but whenever I feel this way I just make it worse by thinking about my baby in heaven. I cant help but relate all my tears and sorrow to anything else in my life that has happened other than that. It is the first thing I think about when I start to cry cause that is the heaviest burden on my heart in the past year. )