Monday, July 25, 2011

My Health is Deteriorating.

Just venting. But seriously. I shouldn't feel like this at 29 years old.

Let's start at what seems most important; my cystic fibrosis. Although I have what my doctor would call a "mild case" because unlike other CF'ers I am not malnutritioned, and I have not needed a lung transplant. But I do suffer from alot of digestion problems and was recently told that I need an endoscopy.  So among the flip floppity routine of diahhrea/constipation/abdominal pains - I really think I need to see a rheumatologist.

I may be over weight now, and actually - have pretty much always been (compared to my skinny friends). But when I was younger I was very active in jazz and gymnastics for many years. And even through those classes and gym at school I can recall a grinding, achey, crunching noise in my knees. Which now ofcourse as an overweight adult has just gotten worse. Going up or down the stairs or bending over, my knee literally CRUNCHES and it feels like the bones grind together. Yes! Get to the Dr and stop bitching I know. Not my point in this rant....

For a long time I tried to get social security & disability. I fought it with every inch of my being, even down to hiring a lawyer and bringing it to court in Boston, Ma. I was denied and the judge told me I was "too young to be disabled" Well hunny, I was sick, very sick, and was hospitalized a few times a year when I had to be completely drained out because of my c.f.  Only the past 3 years have I been working again, in the pharmacy.

And every day I come home, once I relax.... I can barely get back onto my feet again. My feet are in SO MUCH PAIN that I can barely walk and really really really wish I could fly to the bathroom to pee. I feel like I am keeled over in pain, walking on feet that arent supposed to feel this way and could crumble at any moment. My ankles and my knees throb, throb, throb. My shoulders and my neck I can barely move at night. I was recommended to a rheumotologist years ago by my CF doctor at which I blew off the appointment and now Im dying to be seen.

I feel like in ten years if this problem isn't fixed soon that I am going to be crippled. I literally dragged myself into the bathroom tonight to take a steaming hundred degree hot shower and just wanted to throw in my pillow and blanket and fall asleep. I refused to get out for almost an hour, until the water turned cold. And once I was out I could feel my body from the inside out start to ache again and I broke down in tears. I am fed up to the sky in feeling this much pain every day. And I dont know what is causing it. Is it cause Im fat? Do I have lyme disease? Do I have arthritis?

I know I need to see a Dr asap and this is why Im writing this rant tonight. I promise, to you (my readers and my computer screen) that I am going to get to an appointment asap and someone has to find out what is wrong with me. I work in a pharmacy, I dont want to be put on pain meds. I see what it does to people and the lives that it ruins. But I need help. I need to get this figured out.

NOT TO MENTION! I lost 14 lbs in like 20 days and my last weigh in I was up 5 lbs. WTF? Is it because Im depressed and tears are building up behind my eyelids? Is it because Im severely PMSing and Im bloated with water weight? Cuz whhhhat thhhhe f_cccckkkk :( I haven't done anything different (besides Mcdonalds 2 cheeseburger meal one night late at work and literally 2 cokes) Other than that, Im still eating really really good. So why did I gain? Was it really the Mcdonalds? Ugg. Im so depressed tonight. Sometimes I feel like losing weight is not attainable, I cant even get to my shortest goal at 250 lbs.

Does anyone else want to rant here? About gainging this week or having unbareable pain that they go thru, that you just feel like falling apart over? And if so, any advice? Sorry to be a saddened suzie tonight :( Im just down in the dumps. (and i dont wanna say it but whenever I feel this way I just make it worse by thinking about my baby in heaven. I cant help but relate all my tears and sorrow to anything else in my life that has happened other than that. It is the first thing I think about when I start to cry cause that is the heaviest burden on my heart in the past year. )


  1. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now. It sucks that your CF is causing you all of these problems. I could try to say something to make you feel better, but I can't take away your I'll just say that I'm sorry, and I can't imagine how hard it must be. You're doing a great job right now though, just taking things one day at a time.

    As far as the weight gain, I'm not sure what could have caused it. Maybe the extra calories was part of it, along with some sodium retention. Despite what some male bloggers think, PMS and your period can really affect your weigh-ins. Have you weighed in since your official weigh in day to see if things have changed at all?

    Also, I'm not sure if you have insurance or not, but have you thought about going to counseling to talk about your miscarriage? It might help to talk to a professional.

    Sending you positive vibes and peace...

  2. I came across your blog through your invite to do free blog mini makeovers. I saw this post and had to write you. I am overwhelmed by your candor and emotions. I just want you to know that though I don't know you, I am very proud of you because part of dealing with your fears is putting them out there. Facing all those things that are in your mind and body - alot of people choose to ignore or deny them, silently hoping all will get better.

    I think it's patronizing to say things like don't worry or keep pushing because I have no idea how any of this will work out for you. I will just say that from what I see (read) you are a very strong, beautiful woman and I wish nothing but positive things for you.

    Hang in there!!


  3. Its good to vent to get the feelings out, but now that you've vented please take stock.
    I cant imagine what living with physical pain on a daily basis is like, but I pray you get to the right doctor soon and that they provide a correct diagnosis.
    I am a christian, so I will be praying for you as I know it works. I pray peace for you as you go through this difficult time; I pray for wisdom that God may bring you to the right doctors and health care professionals; I pray that as you go through you will continue to be a blessing to others. I pray that you would be surrounded with love and support in the form of caring friends and family.
    I'm praying for you....


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