Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Just Venting.

I just need to vent, to this quiet computer of mine. That can't talk back and tell me to calm down and take it easy, that everything will be okay. Because in the back of my mind, I already know that. I just cant seem to stop worrying still.

Not being able to pay for the wedding of my dreams, surprisingly, isnt my biggest concern. Cause I can settle for lasagna instead of catering, and an ugly, cheap, dress instead of the one I really want and deserve. But when I owe my landlord rent, and I get a shut off notice each week in the mail for another one of my damn utilities, it really starts to take a toll on me.

I feel really bad for PJ. Because he has been working 2 days overtime each week just to get an extra couple hundred dollars in his paycheck. Which for someone else would do a whole lot. But for someone who owes taxes, unemployment, and pays out of his ass in child support - by the time we get the cash in our hands it's quickly paying something else. I cant bitch at him anymore about doing more for us and supporting me because he is doing the absolute best he can. And sad to say it just isnt good enough. Not that its not good enough for me, cause it is. But its not good enough for the world cause everyone just wants more of our money each week. Somehow his 2006 taxes got rejected and we didnt know till now, so they are about to take his wages if he doesnt re-do them by the end of the week. How are we supposed to redo his taxes, for 3 employers? When we have no money and we aren't very tax savy? Feels like things are mere impossible for us lately :(

And It just seems like we cant catch a break. I wish I could do more. I am only getting 30-33 hours in the pharmacy, and even if I was able to get 40 I doubt myself that I have enough physically energy to be on my feet that long. I wish things were easier. I know that other people in the world have bigger problems than mine. But when it comes down to it, there problems really dont matter. Cause I am the only one that has to deal with mine. Im driving a '90 Mercedes Benz - the window doesnt roll down, the handle broken off so I use plyers to open my door, my a.c. doesnt work, and the car oversheats after 15 minutes of traffic. And I cant even afford to lease a car or buy a new shitbox for $500.

And while trying to be happy after losing a baby, because we are now getting married, on the day that we would have had a baby..... it's almost impossible because of all the financial issues we are going through. Sometimes I wish I hadnt even decided to get married because it just seems like its extra strain on us, and my mom and Tim. Who are also going through enough of their own to have to worry about helping me make even half my dreams come true. It's so pathetic. We are getting married to do right under God, which we then believe he will open the floodgates of Heaven and pour out so much blessing upon us that we wont know what to do with. And whenever I am in doubt of pulling off this wedding PJ reminds me of how its not about material things, its about the commitment we are making to eachother. So God will make it happen and He will provide for us a way to get married.

But each day, our date comes closer and I worry more. And right now I am just so tired and drained that all I wanna do is take a shower and curl up into bed. But I have to work in 2 hours. I really wish I had the balls just to call out because I am in a bad mood. But then that wouldnt be the responsible thing to do. Because we really need the money. So its a lose, lose situation for me today. Im sweaty, and hormonal from my period, and miserable. And I just wish that a big fairy Godmother would come sweeping in and grant me one wish - and that wish I would ask for a million bucks to make my life alot easier.

I just need to keep telling myself that worrying this much isnt going to change anything. Just working harder, being more positive, and praying to God - those are the things that will make something happen. I cannot worry myself sick when I have so many things good in my life to be thankful for. I have an amazing fiance 7 years, we will be getting married and celebrating our 8th yr anniversary together in August. We have a car, granted its a shitbox. We have a roof over our head, granted we owe a little bit of past due rent. We have food on our table, even if we have to spend $50 less on groceries. We both have jobs, even though we dont make much money atleast we are not unemployed. If worst came to worst atleast we would always have my mothers house to move to * I hope* I have my best friend who is also my mother, I have Tim which is her Fiance and they both help us out tremendously. I have great friends who I never see, but are always there to talk to. I have cystic fibrosis and my health has been fine.

Sorry for rambling on- blog. I just really needed you to listen to me for 10 minutes before my head blew up!

5 comments:

  1. Life can be so rough sometimes. Money always seems like a constant struggle. I am getting married in August and only have parents, grandparents and siblings. I still get to have my dream dress and budget is under control. Sorry to hear about your miss carriage that had to have been so hard. Hope things workout for you!

    xo

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  2. I can definitely relate on the money stress. The hubs and i ended up having to declare bankruptcy. Not something we wanted to do but was necessary to save me from a mental breakdown.
    I'm so glad that you have such a great fiance, a great friend who is also your mom and Tim!!
    Those things are definitely blessings that no one can take away.
    Feel free to vent anytime you need to.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you girls...

    Once I arrived at work i felt much better. My worries seemed to have floated away and I just focused on prescriptions and people.

    Losing the baby was really hard because I was 16 seeks along and it happened at home. I cant even describe how horrible it is to dig your baby out of the toilet :( but I know that everything happens for a reason and that God has a plan for us. And although my plan didnt work out the way I wanted, I have faith that once we are married HE will bless us and do good for us and give us everything we need and want. And we look forward to conceiving again... and getting married in August too!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm sorry things suck so much for you right now. I've been in the same boat money wise and it BLOWS. It will get better though, you just gotta keep on truckin' and eventually there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
    I like what your fiance said about your wedding he is absolutely right. I had a converstation with a coworker who was celebrating her 40th wedding annivesary. She said the one thing she remembers the best from her wedding day was walking down that aisle and seeing her HUSBANDS face, she said nothing else really mattered.
    I try to remind myself of that conversation whenever I get stressed about our wedding bills.
    I know very little about taxes, but have you guys looked about re-doing them with Turbo Tax? I know for a fact you can get past years versions for free on their website. I don't know if it will work for you guys but you might want to take a look?

    ReplyDelete
  5. thanks
    yay ive lost 88 pounds but cant get past that
    want to eventually weigh 150 or so

    ReplyDelete

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